Is there anything that remotely equals the thrill of the male orgasm? Speaking as a male, I can’t think of anything. What’s weird is that, for all the attention it receives, the male orgasm doesn’t get talked about in much detail despite the fact that there can be a huge difference in intensity from one to the next. My guess is that the most reliable gauge of orgasmic intensity a lot of women have is the Groan-o-Meter: A big “ugh” from the big lug seems to indicate that, on this particular evening, his climax was a mindblower.
With this information gap in mind, I set out to discover what, exactly, makes for the most bone-rattling, foundation-shaking male orgasms, and what women can do to encourage their arrival. I went straight to the experts — a few sex therapists, lots of men — and, believe me, it was as if they (the guys at least) were just waiting for someone to ask. So here, finally, is everything you need to know about helping your guy have stronger, longer orgasms.
One warning before we begin: Be prepared for surprises, and for seeming contradictions. It turns out that male orgasms are both as single-minded as they sometimes seem, and at the same time a lot more complicated. As sensitive as men are to skill and technique, they’re equally powered by mood, setting, and timing. The fun — for him, for you — is in mixing up the following strategies to see what will work tonight. So have at it.
1 LOVE HIM TO DEATH
The biggest secret about men’s orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. That’s why they’re so sensitive to the environment; slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. Will, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can’t come at all if he’s too worried about his job.
The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. That’s an avenue I expected would be number one on most men’s hit parade. And it is — but only as foreplay.
What’s at the bottom of all this, I think, is that we men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men — even married men — can get nervous being emotionally naked. When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, Richard fondly recalled lovers who grabbed him by his butt and pulled him tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to completely absorb him. Paul, a 35-year-old executive, talked about how his wife sometimes lovingly strokes his face as he comes. “It’s about her showing that she really wants me,” he says.
Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it.
Then hold on for dear life.
2 TELL HIM HE HAS THE NIGHT OFF
A good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done. The job in this case is pleasing you. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed.
The point is that a lot of men won’t allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they’ve accomplished that goal. “Performing comes first; my orgasm comes second,” says Will, 30, a bank administrator. “There are times when I just want to come, but basically my goal is for my wife to find every sexual encounter totally fulfilling.”
Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable — better that men be too concerned with their partners’ orgasms than not at all concerned — it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms. “Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Washington, DC, and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness.
The solution? Give your man the night off. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. There are two basic ways to go about this. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good. The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let himself be pleasured by you. Sex therapists say this is a better method, because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he’s feeling, rather than on what he’s doing. The same should go for you when he returns the favor another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation.
One caution: Michael Seiler, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist at the Phoenix Institiute in Chicago, says many men find it difficult to let go of control during sex. Don’t be surprised, then, if it takes a while before your husband is comfortable turning the reins completely over to you. Be patient, but be firm. He’ll learn to love it.
3 HOLD BACK THE GOODS — TONIGHT AND TOMORROW
Ask any man after a week on the road — abstinence is the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac. Even when he’s not out of town, you can contribute to that pent-up, dying-to-make-love state of mind by deploying some sexual teasing tactics during the day. Robert Birch, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Columbus, Ohio, suggests “accidentally” flashing a little breast at him in the morning, or giving him a lascivious phone call at the office. “Women can plant a sexual seed,” he says, “that will flower that night into a stronger orgasm.”
4 EXTEND YOUR STROKES AS LONG AS HE CAN STAND IT
The same drive that makes a man an animal when he gets home from a road trip is at work within each individual bout of lovemaking. Uri Peles, M.D., director of the Beverly Hills Center for Sexual Medicine, points out that as foreplay continues, muscle tension builds and the genital area becomes engorged with blood, resulting in a steadily growing pressure for release. The more pressure, the more pleasure in the release, because the contractions tend either to be stronger or last longer.
5 INTERCEPT HIS DRIVE TO THE FINISH LINE
In our heart of hearts, we men know that the longer the foreplay, the stronger the orgasm, for ourselves as well as for our partners. But at the same time, we have this incredibly powerful drive to simply come, come, come! We can’t help it: It’s been hardwired into our sexual circuitry over thousands of years.
The trick for you is to help your husband set aside this evolutionary imperative so that sex lasts long enough for a truly eventful climax to build. Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in El Segundo, California, suggests setting the tone for longer, more languorous sex by starting things off with a slow, sensual back rub. Other delaying tactics can be brought into play as the festivities progress. Stopping for an occasional cooling-off period works beautifully, but takes discipline. The woman-on-top position is useful because it helps the man restrain his urge to start thrusting. A prolonging method that may take practice is called the “squeeze technique.” Just before his orgasm appears imminent, put your thumb on one side of the base of the penis and the tips of your index and middle fingers on the other side, then squeeze. You can then start your mutual ascent to the mountaintop again.
6 TORTURE HIM (NICELY!)
A more extreme version of extending the foreplay is called “edging,” where you get him right up to the yes, edge, and then back off. “You stop before you experience climax, and simmer, then repeat that a few times,” suggests De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson of Sankofa Sex Therapy. “It builds up the energy so that you have a more, well, explosive and intense orgasm.” Of course, let him know if that’s your plan, otherwise he might just think you’re being mean.
7 SLAM-DUNK HIM WITH A QUICKIE
Arousal is a mysterious and powerful thing, and sometimes the frenzied abandon of a quick and lustful coupling can produce a climax that’s every bit as explosive as a marathon session in the sack. I suspect this has something to do with that centuries-old sexual circuitry we mentioned: Sex without ceremony can tap into deep reservoirs of animal instinct. I personally had one of my strongest orgasms when my wife overpowered me as I innocently came home from work one night — pieces of clothing were scattered between the front door and the bedroom. I’m sure the fact that she was the instigator added fuel to the fire.
A corollary of the quickie concept is the sneak attack: An element of sexual surprise can produce a powerful climax. Sometimes you need to cut through all the chaos and clutter of modern life. Anything from job pressure to money woes to kid problems to bedroom boredom can come between you and your man’s deepest passions. Spontaneity can help bring him to his senses. A good time to try this is on a weekend morning. That’s usually when men are most relaxed and their testosterone levels are at their peak.
8 GO STRAIGHT FOR HIS MOST-PRIZED POSSESSION
It’s not really politically correct to admit this, but the truth is that when orgasm is imminent, there’s only one male erogenous zone, and you know where it is. “That doesn’t mean men don’t like to be kissed or caressed, but when it comes to orgasm, you can start and end with the penis,” says Marilyn Volker, Ed.D., a sexologist in Miami.
It makes sense, therefore, that when men are out for the most lustful orgasms, their positions of choice tend to be those that provide the most direct penile stimulation, and the best opportunities for penile thrust. “For pure physicality, rear entry is the way to go,” says Carl, 31, an environmental planner. “There’s more friction, more depth…I also love it when my wife is on top, holding herself up, especially when she does that backward.”
Carl also mentions another favorite form of penile stimulation: the vaginal squeeze of a woman who’s been doing her Kegel exercises. (Kegels strengthen the PC muscle, the one you clench when you want to shut off your flow of urine.) “All of a sudden it feels like a hand gripping you,” he says. “That’s amazing.”
9 FIND HIS P-SPOT
Another special spot? The sensitive space between his balls and butt. “Just applying pressure to stimulate the perineum can definitely heighten a male orgasm,” says Blaylock-Johnson. No matter the positioning, reach an arm around or through to gently place a finger tip or even knuckle on the area, taking care to see how he reacts to see if that pressure is right.
10 EXPLORE THE FORBIDDEN ZONES
As concentrated as we men are on our penises, there are other strategic spots that, when stimulated, can send us careening over the edge.
Some men say that having their testicles stroked as they come heightens the sensation. “Women are more worried about touching the testicles than they should be,” says Adam, 32, an insurance rep. “It’s only when you bang into the testicles that it hurts. Having the scrotum rubbed feels great.” Other sensitive spots seem to depend more on personal taste. Richard, 49, a writer and editor, loves it when his wife rubs his nipples; Carl recalls a girlfriend who greedily sucked his fingers.