Guys, we are so NOT pretzels.
When you’re an adult and it is no longer acceptable to jump around in bouncy castles, exploring new and exciting sex positions can be one of life’s greatest joys.
Sometimes the right sex position can make you feel like you’ve made some brave,important, new and totally sexy scientific break-though … albeit with your body.
But other sex positions can be more, how shall we say … TOTALLY miserable?
There are some traditional sex positions that we, as a people, have fooled ourselves into thinking that we love.
I’m here to set the record straight by revealing the top eight sex positions every woman secretly hates. Or, at the very least, I do.
1. Doggy Style
If you’re looking for deep penetration, doggy style is definitely a way to go. But many women HATE doggy style because in this position men with bigger penises can go deeper faster and harder and it can be uncomfortable.
There’s also the joy of watching your own boobs fly all over the place in this sex position. It’s not designed to make a woman feel sexy. I mean, how can you when you feel your stomach fat undulating in the wind?
Missionary is a hot sex position if you’re looking to really connection with lots of intimate eye contact, but for most women the missionary position leaves the clitoris out of the equation altogether.
This is fine if you’re a woman who can orgasm vaginally (rare!), but if you can’t, this position can leave you high and dry.
If you love the intimacy but can’t have an orgasm, try putting a pillow beneath your hips. This shift in angle could make clitoral contact easier for you both.
Cowgirl is the best sex position for the woman who wants to be in control. You say how deep, you say how fast, and you say how hard.
But if you’re tired (who isn’t?!), this position is an utter disaster. One or two humps and you can feel exhausted. Plus, if you’re insecure in your skin, you might not relish the idea of him being in the dreaded upward angle spot, where he can get a perfect view of your double chin and nose hairs.
4. Reverse Cowgirl
I love reverse cowgirl as a warm-up position, but this is because I am very, very proud of my own ass and I don’t mind having a man stare at it whilst we are consummating our lust together.
But that’s kind of the only great thing about it.
And if you don’t want your dude checking out your ass, it’ll probably be the sex position that makes you feel the most uncomfortable. And since you aren’t facing each other, it doesn’t really allow for any sort of intimate, dreamy eye contact.
69 is one of those sex positions that NOBODY actually likes but everybody feels like they have to try, especially in college or early on in their sexual careers.
The problem with 69 is that you’re so worried about getting yourself at the right angle for your partner that you aren’t paying attention to the head you are giving or receiving.
Oral sex is a joy, 69 makes it a chore. Two thumbs down.
6. Legs to head
Every guy I’ve been with has been a huge fan of this sex position, it works just fine for me, but I can see why other women revile it greatly.
In this position, you are on your back and your guy pushes your legs back to your head or behind your ears. Good luck breathing/not farting on him. I’m a masochist, so being squashed in half like a suitcase doesn’t bother me, but if you aren’t a masochist (or a gymnast), this position can make you feel a little bit objectified and probably also very sore.
7. Up against the wall
It’s a romantic and hot idea that we’ve all seen in movies and are desperate to try for ourselves. But here’s the reality, no matter how “delicate” you are, it’s asking a lot of your guy to keep you propped in place on the wall AND to have him thrust to his heart’s content. Unless you are an Olympian, this sex position is a lot of work with very little reward.
God why are people still doing this?! Sideways sex drives me nuts, it’s like no one took a psychics class.
Okay. I’ve calmed down. There are benefits to the sideways sex position. I mean, it’s nice, it’s the spooning position, but kicked up a notch. It’s soothing and intimate. But here’s the thing, sexual intercourse relies on torque. When you’re lying side-by-side, your dude has very little torque, which can make repeated thrusting pretty impossible.
Plus I always get confused about where my leg is supposed to go. Am I alone in this?
Ultimately, most women don’t want to be confused or exhausted during sex. Is that too much to ask?