Keeping a marriage afloat can feel complicated and difficult for many couples. In the United States, about 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, while 57 percent of men admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had, and 74 percent of men admit they’d have an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.
“Men don't leave. They just want it all,” says an article published in Today, in which several women who have relationships with married men comment on how these men "never" leave their wives. Although this does not apply in all cases, it is very common for men not to leave their wives for their lovers. But why?
1. He can be himself
He has known you forever, and no one else knows him as he really is. You give him the opportunity to be authentic, because there’s no part of him you haven’t seen before. With you he, he is comfortable.
“Why would he leave his wife and kids?” says David Wygant from Your Tango, explaining how after being with their girlfriends, cheating husbands then get to back home to play with his kids and have his wife take care of his home. “It's the ideal situation for a guy.”
2. He's looking for a "vacation" from his married life in the affair
Many times, a cheating husband doesn't go into an extramarital relationship with the intent to leave behind his family. He looks at the act as something without major consequences – as a simple vacation from his marriage.
“If you have a good relationship with your partner, if there is still love and affection, if he or she is a good parent and they are part of a good family group, cheaters are not necessarily looking for a break up when they look for a lover,” said CEO of Victoria Milan, Sigurd Verdal. “They just want to add a bit of passion and adventure back into their lives.”
Of course, these cheating men are in no way justified for being unfaithful. But in their minds, the situation is not as big a deal as it really is.
3. Divorce is very painful
“Why would he put himself and his family through that if he doesn't have to? You seem happy to see him when he can fit you in, so why would he leave his wife?” Explains Wygant.
Apparently comfort and having the best of both worlds, is one of the biggest reasons relationships continue. Divorce is painful, expensive, and emotionally draining. Why would he choose to go through that when he doesn’t have to?
4. They still love their wives
It might seem improbable or even impossible, but it’s not.
“Some would argue that if a man truly loves his wife, then it would be impossible for him to cheat,” says Madamenoire. “For a number of reasons, I disagree.”
Before you close the idea that infidelity and love can not go together, think about the times that you have done something hurtful to a person you loved. Of course, cheating is an extreme, but all the same, it’s possible to love someone and still choose to hurt them.
5. Their children
In many cases, unfaithful men stay with their wives so their childrencan have a "traditional family." (At least that's how their minds see it.)
Most cheaters live in a reality that does not exist – a reality in which their bad behavior is totally justified. Common justifications are “I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do,” or “It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many women as he can. Why should I be any different?” as Psychology Today explains.
But can we do something to avoid infidelity in our relationships?
In my personal experience, I believe that HONEST communication between a couple and not getting angry when that open dialogue occurs is the most important thing for marital survival.
Reacting furiously restricts communication and secrets form. When this happens, unhappiness is almost guaranteed.
I always think about my relationship with my mother. Even today there is nothing I do not tell her – from my best experiences to the things that embarrass me by just thinking about them. I always wonder how my mother developed this relationship with me and I try to do the same with my daughters.
The secret is that she NEVER got mad at me, nor screamed at my confessions. She guided me and advised me, and I was open to her advice because she was always open to listen to me without judging me.
Marriage shouldn't be far from this. Always try to make your husband feel that he can be completely open with you because you are not going to yell and judge him.
The more honest and open your communication, the better your marriage will be.